My first Christmas...

When I was a little girl , about 8 years old I dreamed about being old... When I was finally there , Old ... seemed like a disappointment. When I was small everything came in a nicely raped package with colorful ribbons attached. Back then I thought that everything is for granted...My parents , my life... But then I grew up... You know what they say ..." Be careful what you wish for , because you might just get it " .When I became a rebel I wanted to live alone without my parents , and I did it more then once... Then I didn't realize how empty my life can be without one of them. Back then I had the certitude that they will always be there...But then life came back at me and bit me by the rear end...nine months after I left home and moved away alone in a rented apartment the most horrible thing happened. On the 4th of April 2008 my father passed away three hours later after I came back home... I was so disappointed that at first I couldn't even mourn his death... I kept on thinking " How could he ? How could he leave me alone ? " Nine months later it's Christmas Eve and I begin to put up the Christmas tree .I used to do that with my father...I find this old box with photos and I look at some old pictures of me and my family... I see him and then I look in the mirror in front of me... The spitting image of my father... Same eyes, same nose...same smile...
This IS a disappointment... My first Christmas without him... And there are many more to come...

The scent of life...

Your skin so pale ,your eyes so black, your heart beats inside of you so fast it drives me mad.
I see your eyes glowing in the dark , staring at me...
I get closer and closer to you ...I am not afraid...
-"Ooh your scent it's killing me ... ripping me apart...it's the smell of your skin... of your blood flowing through every little vein underneath it...taking me away with every breath...
Your scent it's like adrenaline to me ...
-" I could stay like this forever..."
-"Forever is a very long time" -
Forever is what I dream about...

Opheliac este una din piesele mele preferate ale artistei Emilie Autumn. Este si o piesa care ma reprezinta ( cred eu )

I'm your Opheliac
I've been so disillusioned
I know you'd take me back
But still I feign confusion
I couldn't be your friend
My world was to unstable
You might have seen the end
But you were never able
To keep me breathing
As the water rises up again
Before I slip away

You know the games I play and the words I say when I want my own way
You know the lies I tell when you've gone through hell and I say I can't stay
You know how hard it can be to keep believing in me
When everything and everyone becomes my enemy
And when there's nothing more you can do I'm gona blame it on you
It's not the way I wana be
I only know that in the end you will see it's the Opheliac in me

It's the Opheliac in me...

Im your Opheliac
My stalkings prove my virtue
I'm open to attack
But I don't want to hurt you (hurt you)
Whether I swim or sink
That's no concern of yours now
How could you possibly think
You had the power to know how to keep me breathing as the water rises up again
Before I slip away

You know the games I play and the words I say when I want my own way
You know the lies I tell when you've gone through hell and I say I can't stay
You know how hard it can be to keep believing in me
When everything and everyone becomes my enemy
And when there's nothing more you can do I'm gona blame it on you
It's not the way I wana be
I only hope that in the end you will see it's the Opheliac in me...
It's the Opheliac in me

Studies show intelligent girls are more depressed
Because they know
That the world can lie
I don't think for a bit they sit around and think every things gona be alright
They know who: sides, shadows; shapes, a devil, an angel; no in-between
She speaks in third person so that she can forget that she's me
Doubt thou the stars on fire
Doubt thou the sun doth move
Doubt truth to be a liar
But never doubt

Doubt thou the stars on fire
Doubt thou the sun doth move
Doubt truth to be a liar
But never doubt

Doubt thou the stars on fire
Doubt thou the sun doth move
Doubt truth to be a liar
But never doubt
I love

You know the games I play and the words I say when I want my own way
You know the lies I tell when you've gone through hell and I say I cant stay

You know how hard it can be to keep believing in me
When everything and everyone becomes my enemy
And when there's nothing more you can do I'm gona blame it on you
It's not the way I wana be
I only hope that in the end you will see
But never doubt
You know the games I play and the words I say when I want my own way
You know the lies I tell when you've gone through hell and I say I can't stay
You know how hard it can be to keep believing in me
When everything and everyone becomes my enemy
And when there's nothing more you can do I'm gona blame it on you
It's not the way I wana be
I only hope that in the end you will see

Povestea fara de sfarsit a unui suflet...

Atata frustrare... Vise naruite ... totul e negru in jur si parca nu mai are nimeni scapare... E deprimant , melancolic si extrem de nevrotic. Ma face sa o iau la goana dar mi-e prea lene ... mi-e prea lene sa traiesc asa cum o faceam inainte... Tot ce fac e sa stau sa citesc, sa ma holbez pe pereti gandindu-ma la viata mea si sa nu ajung la nici o concluzie , sa fumez in exces si sa beau cafea.
Odata cineva m-a intrebat daca am fost vreodata fericita... Ei bine ... Da am fost ft fericita o mare parte din viata mea... dar brusc totul s-a intors cu fundul in sus si nu mai am ce sa mai fac... ma plictisesc de moarte in fiecare zi ... ascult nerozeniile tuturor din jurul meu si ma intreb cum de am ajuns sa traiesc intr-o lume plina de oameni cu creiere de gaina ... si ma gandesc la ce as putea sa fac ca sa ies din aceasta stare... si ghici ce imi vine in minte... NIMIC! Nu am ce sa fac ... e o stare ce nu vrea nici de al dracu sa isi faca bagajele si sa se care undeva departe... Traiesc intr-un stres continuu si nu vad scapare...

Cineva incearca sa o ia pe EA de langa mine...

NU pot sa am o viata persoanala fiindca exista mereu cineva care se baga in ea si da cu ciocu peste tot in sat despre lucruri care nici nu se intampla si toata lumea imi monitorizeaza toate miscarile de parca as fi vreo vedeta... Sunt unii carora o astfel de atentie le-ar placea la nebunie ... Dar nu mie ... NU NU ... Fetei ciudate si antisociale nu ii place atentia [ CREDETI CA ATI PUTEA INTELEGE ACEST CONCEPT ?]
Nu, nu urasc pe nimeni... Oricat de ciudat ar parea . Doar ca nu mai suport sa traiesc in asemenea conditii. Nu, nu o sa ma sinucid [ deoarece cred cu tarie ca nu este o optiune si nici o rezolvare pt problemele mele sau ale oricui altcuiva] iar asta nu e o scrisoare a cuiva pe patul de moarte.
Nesiguranta te duce la neincredere in tine si mai ales in cei din jurul tau. Analizeaza mai bine ce vrei sa faci si o sa vezi ca nu ai ajuns inca intr-o fundatura si daca te schimbi un pic si iti faci ordine in viata o sa incepi sa crezi iar in tine si in ceea ce poti TU face.

Blessed be...

Angel on my shoulder - Mattafix

You cannot be certain,
you cannot be sure.
all those times that I took for granted left me wanting more.
Now that I've awoken, I'm ready to adore though my heart is broken I'm brighter than before.

You can be disheartened, made a fool again,you cant'see the future,and who knows how this ends.
Now I hear you calling,the dance has begun,
head and heals I'm falling are you gonna be the one?

Won't somebody tell me where is the love?
I know when I see her face, she will soon replace the pain that I've uncovered.
Where is love?
and why does it hurt so much?and will I measure up if I get to hold her?
the angel on my shoulder

Sometimes...

Cateodata simt ca ar tebui sa fug undeva departe sa ma izolez fiindca simt ca incep sa ma urasc fiindca sunt ciudata si fiindca am nevoia sa iubesc. Rareori am acest gand , acest gand de a tine la cineva... Nu am nevoie de sentimente atunci cand perversez...DA! Am o minte perversa care uneori pune stapanire pe celelalte simturi si le ucide pt cateva clipe si atunci imi pierd controlul. Ma pierd pe mine si ma regasesc in altii. Altii care vin cu altele mai rele ca ale mele. Acum vreau sa iubesc dar nu sunt lasata. Ceva sau cineva nu ma lasa. Sa fie oare ratiunea sau frica? Prefer sa nu aflu sau poate ca vreau. Nimic nu mai e concret si acum tot ce vreau e sa perversez impreuna cu oameni perversi.
Stau si ascult Sopor Aeternus intr-o camera intunecata. Si ghici ce? Doresc sa perversez. Da cu tine. Dar nu ma lasi. De ce? Fiindca tipa cineva sau ceva ... o parte din tine. Cateodata e bine sa te lasi in voia simturilor tale dar cateodata nu. Asa cum eu doar cateodata simt nevoia sa iubesc...
Asa ca lasa-ma ... Sa fac ceea ce fac eu cateodata si nu ma opri. Lasa-ma sa fiu eu... Fiindca stiu ca o sa iti placa...
Lasa-ma in voia mea... si o sa vezi ... probabil o alta lume... sau nu. Poate o sa vezi ceva ce iti place si ceva ce ai mai facut dar cum eu nu cred in coincidente... clar asta nu e coincidenta.
Lasa-ma sa fac ceea ce fac eu cateodata. Sa fiu eu... si nimic mai mult.
Si atunci vei stii ceea ce vrei sa stii...

De L'ombre

De l'ombre-je m'asseoir et de regarder à vous. Je vous admire. Je désire vous. Je veux que vous près de moi maintenant et pas plus tard. Je t'aime de l'ombre. Qu'arrive-t-il si je vous dis ce que je ressens à l'ombre? Aurez-vous le même visage? Il est étrange de l'amour de l'ombre sans que vous voulez avoir une idée encore. Je t'aime, je te veux . Vous êtes exactement comme je l'ai rêvé. Je veux que vous être le mien, et je vous ... et si nous marchons, main dans la main clair de lune dans cette nuit claire où seul le ciel étoilé est notre seul témoin.
Je t'aime. Je sais pour sûr. mais je crains les blessures de l'âme ... Je ne veux pas être blessé de nouveau ...
Je veux seulement vivre d'être autour de vous, vous en dehors de mon amour.
Je t'aime ... de l'ombre.